A Dream Delayed

Growing up, I had two dreams: to have a successful career and to become a mother.  I knew that my professional dream would require a lot of hard work- years of schooling, lots of studying, intense tests and a ton of student loans!  But I never imagined that becoming a mother would be the most difficult dream to achieve.

Dan and I had decided that this year would be the year we would start trying to have children.  We've been happily married for two years, we have our dream home, successful careers and are expecting our first niece any day now.  The time was just right.  But sometimes, even the best thought out plans don't work out as expected.

When I was diagnosed, I knew that having children this year wouldn't be an option.  And to be honest, I felt blessed that we discovered the cancer before I had gotten pregnant.  But when I discussed my treatment plan with my oncologist, I was shocked to learn that one of the potential side effects of chemotherapy is infertility.  Just the thought of possibly not being able to have children terrified me.  This was simply not an option.

When I later discovered the technique of egg harvesting, I was relieved to have found the solution to any potential problem.  But unfortunately, that relief was short lived.  Since the process would take about 6 weeks to complete, my oncologist recommended against it.  He felt that due to the aggressiveness of my cancer, my chemotherapy treatment needed to be started right away.  Although I was extremely disappointed, at that point I knew I needed to do whatever it would take to save my life.  After all, what good would my eggs be if I wasn't going to be around to be a mother?

And I had hope!  I'm young and healthy (well, other than this cancer thing) and am confident that I will be able to have children.  I would just have to wait a year until after my treatment was entirely over.  So my dream got pushed back a year?  No big deal!  Wrong....

Try at least FIVE more years!  Last week my new oncologist confirmed that because 10% of my cancer cells are estrogen positive, I have to take the drug Tamoxifen after my chemotherapy treatment is completed.  The good news?  Another drug to help prevent the cancer from ever returning.  The bad news?  I have to take it every day for five years.  And because the drug causes birth defects, I can't get pregnant while taking it.

Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it?  Something you've dreamed about your whole life and did everything you could to make it happen.  Then have someone turn around and tell you you can't have it...makes you want it even that much more, right? 

I can't help but feel absolutely devastated and heartbroken over this.  What makes it worse?  Knowing that Dan is ready to be a father now, and that because of me, he has to wait at least another five years.   

I've never been the jealous type of person.  I've always enjoyed sharing in the joys and happiness of others.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely jealous of others who are lucky enough to already have children.  All of my friends have children.  All of my neighbors have children.  My younger cousins have children.  And now my sister is going to have a baby girl!  And while I absolutely LOVE being around all of these children, I cannot help now but be reminded of the dream I can't have for years to come.

I know our time will come.  And I know it will be the right time.  But as always, waiting is the hardest part! 

Cancer Etiquette 101

So, your high school curriculum never included "What Not to Say to Someone Battling Cancer"?  Well neither did mine.  In fact, it was not too long ago when breast cancer was pretty taboo.  Women battling the disease kept their diagnosis to themselves and there certainly wasn't the publicity and support that breast cancer receives today.

BUT friends, just because breast cancer is more openly discussed today (as it should be), doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful in what you say to someone battling cancer.  Trust me when I tell you that whatever you may be thinking about the disease, I have already thought and stressed out about 1000 times over. 

In the past four months, I've heard it all.  Mostly from random strangers who feel the need to try to relate to what I'm going through.  And while I can understand and appreciate that, what I can't understand is how they think that some of what they say can in any way help me or make me feel better.  

So....just for fun, I've created a top 10 list of what NOT to say to someone battling any type of cancer.  (Don't worry, this is absolutely not aimed at anything any of you have said...or is it?!?! ;)

10.  "Well at least you don't have to work now."  Yeah, you're right....breast cancer?...work?....chemotherapy?...work?....surgery?...work?...Yeah, tough call!

9.   "Whatever you do, don't go through Kaiser."  (At which time I was with Kaiser.)  Umm...too late.  But thanks for making me feel confident in my medical team!

8.   "Are you sure that your treatment plan is the best plan for you?"  Nope!  Last I checked, I was an attorney, not an oncologist.  But if you're asking whether I'm going to beat this..then YES, I'm sure!

7.   "You're Mohawk looks so cute.  But you should try to grow it out a little longer."  Lady, if I could grow out any of my hair a little longer, it wouldn't just be the Mohawk that I would be growing!  On second thought, it is pretty rock star!

6.   "You know, cancer can only grow in certain environments.  You must not be eating/drinking the right types of foods/drinks."  Perfect.  So you're saying I brought this on myself?  Way to go Shey!

5.   "You have the best shaped head I've ever seen!"  Actually, on second thought, PLEASE feel free to say this to me at any time!

4.   "I'm not sure the new chemotherapy will work for you."  (After finding out that the first type of chemotherapy allowed my tumors to get bigger.)  Awesome!  Thanks for giving me some extra hope to work with!  My response--Well then you better find something that WILL work!

3.   "Ugh...you're going through chemotherapy.  My best friend was going through it and it was awful.  She completely lost control of her bowels and her body started shutting down."  Because the 50 other side effects I have been dealing with just aren't enough!  Thanks for giving me something else to look forward to!

2.  "Oh...my (mom, aunt, sister's husband's ex-girlfriend, fill in the blank) is a 7-year breast cancer survivor!"  Wahoo...finally a great story!  "But we just found out that it came back in her bones and it's worse than ever!"  Umm...I'm still just trying to beat it the first time around...don't need to be hearing about what may happen in the future! 

1.   "My (best friend, mom, sister, coworker's daughter-in-law) died of (fill in the blank) cancer."  I'm sorry, did you just hear me?  I have breast cancer!!  The absolute last thing I need to hear is someone who died from any type of cancer!

I hope this doesn't discourage you from offering words of support to others who may be engaged in their own battle with cancer.  In fact, the amount of support and encouragement I have received over the past four months from strangers has been absolutely incredible! 

One of the most wonderful things that this journey has taught me is that there are a lot of very kind and genuine people in this world!  It's just too bad that these types of stories don't get the attention in the media that they deserve.