A Little Too Ironic

Ok...I get that cancer does not discriminate.  It can affect anyone, at any age, in any place, at any time.  Got it.  But I'm not going to lie...I've lived my whole life with small breasts in a world that worships a much fuller figure than mine.  And while I contemplated plastic surgery for many years, I was just too chicken to go through with it. 

But, the silver lining of "not" having breasts?  No breast cancer, right?  I mean, you can't get cancer in breasts that don't exist.  And besides, that would be just way too ironic and too cruel of a joke. 

Ok, ok, fine.  So the flat chested girl gets breast cancer.  But like I always do, I found the silver lining.  Now, I can get the plastic surgery I was too scared to get before.  And the bonus?  It will be free!

WRONG! 

Today, for the first time, I learned that implants will not be possible because of the radiation.  Umm....what!?!?  No, no, no, no.  He MUST be mistaken.  Because I've said all along, if I'm having to go through this entire ordeal, I'm at least getting my free breasts. 

Turns out not so much.  And while I understand how superficial it sounds for me to be complaining about something like this while I'm fighting for my life, I AM PISSED!  I mean, really really pissed!  First my food, then my hair, and now my dream of plastic surgery.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And so while I may only weigh 110 pounds, it's 110 pounds of pure strength!

Risks vs. Rewards

I never used to read the side effects for any of the medication I took.  I mean, you're sick, the medicine will make you better, end of story!  But since I've had enough of all the little surprises lately (and since I have a little free time on my hands), I decided to start reading them.  I simply needed to know that if my toes turn green, it's a possible side effect of the medication, and not an indication that the cancer has spread.

The following is taken from just one of the medications I am currently taking:

"COMMON USES: This medicine is an antiemetic used in combination with other medicines to prevent nausea and vomiting associated with certain types of cancer drug treatment (chemotherapy)."

"SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while using this medicine include constipation, diarrhea (um, let's just stop right there...constipation and diarrhea?!?!....how is that even possible??) dizziness, hair loss, headache, heartburn, hiccups, loss of appetite, nausea, tiredness, trouble sleeping, upset stomach, vomiting, and weakness.

Sooo, you mean to tell me that the medication I am taking to prevent nausea and vomiting, can not only cause nausea and vomiting, but 12 other side effects!?!?  Even a third grader can do the math and figure out that it just may be worth rolling the dice and going without the medication.

Oh, and thankfully, the medication provides instructions to "check with your doctor" if any of the side effects "are bothersome."  Bothersome!?!?  Nope-I actually find headaches, diarrhea, constipation and heartburn quite enjoyable thank you very much!

Ahhhh....gotta love the fine print!

Third Time's A Charm??...

Not so much!  I'm not sure what's worse: knowing something crappy is about to smack you in the face, or being completely blind-sided and getting hit by a mack truck.  I mean, I've definitely experienced them both throughout this journey (in fact, many times over), and the only logical conclusion I can come to is this... they both suck!

On Tuesday I went in for Round 3.  That morning, I thought to myself, "I've got this!"..."Been here, done that!"..."Practice makes perfect!"...And all the other little cliches I could think of to prepare myself.  But as I walked inside the clinic, my little pep talk went right out the window.  And when I saw the two large syringes filled with that bright red cocktail, my stomach began to cringe (and it still does even as I write this).  I couldn't help but gag no matter how hard I tried.

"Anticipatory nausea" was what I was told I was experiencing.  Because the good old fashioned nausea was just not enough!  Just another side effect for me to cross off the list! 

It's been five days since my treatment and I'm just now finally starting to feel a little better.  Not the "I can run 2 miles" kind of better.  But the "I can take a shower" kind of better.  And let me tell you, that's just good for everyone involved!  I've also started my nine days of injections, and I must say, Dan is pretty close to getting his nursing license! 

At the end of Round 3, one thing is for sure-this journey is not for the weak.  Good thing that word is not in my vocabulary!

One Mile at a Time

On Sunday night I went for a run on the beach.  YES, you read that right- a RUN on the beach.  Ok, so it may have been more like a really quick walk, or a slow jog, but my legs were moving and the wind was blowing through my hair....wait a minute...and the wind was blowing across my head.  I caught a good tail wind on the way back, and I have to say, I'm a little more aerodynamic without the hair.

At the end of the mile run, I felt more alive (and tired) than I have felt in months.  I was so proud of my body--to go from not being able to walk, to running in just six days was amazing for me.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I finally starting feeling like myself again.   

Still on my high from Sunday, I decided to go for another mile "run" last night.  But this time I decided to run around my neighborhood.  Turns out, it's a little harder to run the second day and on hills no less.  I'm totally paying for it today, but it was definitely worth it.

I've realized that I have to take full advantage of my good days.  And that I have to remain true to who I am-a woman who has always pushed herself, fought for everything she has and never gives up....and this includes the little things like beating Dan at the 5k run in September. 

Let the training begin!