Best. Gift. Ever.

I've always wanted a brand new car for Christmas.  A beautiful new car.  Parked in the driveway.  With an obnoxious red bow draped over the top.  You know, the ones you only see in t.v. commercials during the holidays.  Think..."da na naaa na naaaa na na' na na naaa" (my attempt to put into words the Lexus December to Remember theme song!)  Yep, nothing could beat a brand new car for Christmas.  Or so I thought!

My gift this year wasn't parked in my driveway.  It wasn't under the tree.  It didn't come in a box (although my husband did give me the most amazing diamond earrings!!).  And there were no bows.  In fact, it was nothing you could even see...and that's what makes it so perfect!!!

The gift of being CANCER FREE!!  Whoa...it's still pretty crazy to say out loud.  Actually, I'm pretty sure it hasn't even sunken in yet.  The reason it's taken me so long to even blog about it is because I was afraid if I put it in writing, I would jinx it.  But the news is just so great, I finally had to share it with everyone.

The final pathology report confirmed that the residual cancer in my breast was minimal.  And of the 17 lymph nodes they removed from my right arm, only the two that they already knew about had cancer!!  The bad news-they removed all of the lymph nodes from my right arm.  Talk about pain!!  The recovery has been horrible and the risk of permanent swelling/numbness is much greater.  But the good news-the cancer had not spread beyond the initial two sentinel nodes!!

There are absolutely no words that can adequately describe the sense of relief, gratitude and pure joy that my family and I are feeling.  While we know I still have a long way to go, it simply doesn't get any better than this.

I hope your 2012 is filled with great health, family and friends.  (It's already started for me!)  But more importantly, I hope you always remember to never take a single minute for granted!

She Nailed It!

Hello fellow Sheyanne fans!

I'm happy to report that Sheyanne is out of surgery and doing great! Her surgery went very well! On behalf of Sheyanne and myself, thank you all for your love and support! I'm sure Sheyanne will post an entry when she is feeling up to it, but we can all wait together with the comfort of knowing that Sheyanne is now CANCER FREE!

Dan

Christmas Came Early for The Banes!

Last Wednesday, I went in for my first PET scan.  And for anyone that knows anything about cancer, you're probably wondering "your first PET scan??"  "Shouldn't that be the first thing they do when you're diagnosed??"  That was definitely what the technician thought.  So of course, throughout the entire one hour exam, and the four days that followed, my mind was spinning.  Maybe all of the headaches I've had weren't actually routine headaches.  Maybe my leg and body aches weren't caused by the medication after all. 

And then I received the email... from my surgeon...at 7:30 p.m....on a Sunday night! 

My first thought was that it was an automated reminder for my upcoming pre-op appointment.  But then I saw the subject line- "PET."  My heart was racing.  No way she would put in an email that the cancer had spread, right?!!  (Hey, you never know...I mean, I never would have imagined that my first surgeon would basically tell me I was going to die!)  And when I finally opened the email, I read the most AMAZING news....

The PET scan revealed that I was negative for distant metastatic disease (which means the cancer did not spread throughout my body!) AND my tumors and lymph nodes were almost completely negative for cancer!!!!!  The last 12 rounds of chemo had actually worked and I was truly on my way to becoming cancer free!!! 

I've said all along that I AM going to beat this...but actually hearing confirmation from my surgeon makes it all very real!  And while I'm still nervous about my surgery next week, I can go into it knowing that it will remove the last of the cancer and I will come out cancer free!! 

"For Better or For Worse...In Sickness and In Health"

Ten simple words. A tremendous responsibility.

How easily these customary words roll off our tongues on one of the happiest days of our lives.  Sure, we'll be there to comfort our spouse after a bad day of work or after a fight with their family.  And of course we'll make them chicken noodle soup for the occasional cold and flu.  But never do we imagine that "in sickness" will mean cancer and "for worse" includes watching your spouse battle for their life.

Dan has endured a greater burden in our first two years of marriage than most people have to in their entire lifetime.  And true to his incredible character, when he said his wedding vows, he meant every word...and then some.

In the past five months he has become an expert in breast cancer, taken me to all of my doctor's appointments, sat through days and days of chemo, given me injections and medications, held my hair when I was sick, shaved my head (so he didn't have to hold my hair anymore!), cooked, cleaned, carried me when I couldn't walk, watched me cry, assured me that we will beat this, and shown me a greater, deeper love than on the day we were married.  All of this while working at all hours to continue being the exceptional attorney that he is.  Simply put, he has been my research assistant, advocate, chauffeur, nurse, best friend, barber, chef, house cleaner, legs, counselor, cheerleader and soul mate....

in two words, MY HERO!

There are very few extraordinary people in this world.  Most people are lucky just to know one.  I'm lucky enough to be married to one.  And not a day goes by where I don't stop, reflect and thank God for this incredible gift of a husband I was blessed with.

Phase One...Completed!

15 rounds of chemo
            +
5 months of side effects
            +
over 30 blood tests
            +
over 25 self injections
            +
1 bald head
           =           

 1 BIG SMILE!!!

Today marks the end of Phase 1 of our fight!  And of course I had to go out with a bang.  Apparently all of my veins were on strike and refused to open up enough to allow placement of the IV!  But after an hour of poking and prodding, numerous pep talks, and blood, sweat and tears...literally!...well, not the tears, one finally gave into the peer pressure!  Five hours later, I was out of that Popsicle stand and couldn't be happier!

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about going three weeks without any treatment (even though I'm finished with chemo, I still have IV treatment every three weeks for a year.  I just couldn't leave my nurses cold turkey so I asked my oncologist for a little extra time with them.)  The last time I did treatment every three weeks, my tumors got bigger.  BUT, this is new treatment, that has proven to work....and whatever is left will be removed on the 13th.

In three words...WE DID IT!  Great work, team.  I look forward to seeing you all on the battlefield for Phase 2!

Who Says Number 13 Is Unlucky?

Not this guy!  In fact, I recently read an article that said the best day to have a major surgical procedure is on the 13th day of the last month of the year, especially if it falls on a Tuesday in the afternoon.  So imagine my surprise and excitement when my surgeon called and said my surgery is scheduled for December 13th...which is a Tuesday...at 12:30!!!  I mean, does it get any better than this!!!..(aside from not having to have the surgery in the first place)  This guy is riding one nice, long, lucky streak!  And because I'm such a giver, please feel free to stop by and rub my head for good luck, or send me your lottery tickets to scratch off.  I'll be at Saddleback Memorial Medical Center, located at 24451 Health Center Drive, Laguna Hills...just ask for the pent house suite! 

But even with the lucky surgery date, I'm still a little nervous (OK, maybe a little more than a little nervous).  Why?  Because my pain tolerance is like a 0 out of 10.  I mean, I've been known to shed a tear from paper cuts before. 

You know, now that I think of it, that was the Sheyanne before breast cancer...before biopsies, before chemotherapy, before self-injections, and before all of the miserable side effects!  I know I'm going to rock this surgery just like I've rocked everything else.  But you better believe I'm going to request the strongest pain medication they have...not because I need it, but just because I can! ;)

3...2...1...

Let the countdown begin!  No, I'm not talking about the wait for the first Colt's win (and by win, I mean not a loss since we have a bye week coming up soon).  I'm talking about the other "C" in my life...chemo.  Starting today, I only have three chemo treatments left!!  Yes, you read that right...only THREE chemo treatments left! (Well, they said something about maybe needing additional chemo after surgery, but I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.)

You know what that means?!?  Only three more weeks of mouth sores, blood tests, icy cold injections, headaches, body aches, fatigue, neuropathy and skin rashes.  What the heck am I going to do without these loyal friends??  Well, they tell me I may be losing my fingernails and toenails after my treatment ends so I'm sure that will more than make up for these loses!

Oh, and it also means I GET MY HAIR BACK!  OK, I get that it's not going to all magically appear on my last day of chemo (although a girl can dream!), but it will definitely be a great start....to some crazy hair styles, I'm sure!  And you better believe that I'll be lathering my head up with some magic potion (think Chia pet style) to speed up the growth....that and some hair extensions the minute it's long enough to attach them!!

Five months ago I could only dream of getting through this stage of the journey...and now it's only weeks away!  Two words...

BOOM SHOCKA!

A Dream Delayed

Growing up, I had two dreams: to have a successful career and to become a mother.  I knew that my professional dream would require a lot of hard work- years of schooling, lots of studying, intense tests and a ton of student loans!  But I never imagined that becoming a mother would be the most difficult dream to achieve.

Dan and I had decided that this year would be the year we would start trying to have children.  We've been happily married for two years, we have our dream home, successful careers and are expecting our first niece any day now.  The time was just right.  But sometimes, even the best thought out plans don't work out as expected.

When I was diagnosed, I knew that having children this year wouldn't be an option.  And to be honest, I felt blessed that we discovered the cancer before I had gotten pregnant.  But when I discussed my treatment plan with my oncologist, I was shocked to learn that one of the potential side effects of chemotherapy is infertility.  Just the thought of possibly not being able to have children terrified me.  This was simply not an option.

When I later discovered the technique of egg harvesting, I was relieved to have found the solution to any potential problem.  But unfortunately, that relief was short lived.  Since the process would take about 6 weeks to complete, my oncologist recommended against it.  He felt that due to the aggressiveness of my cancer, my chemotherapy treatment needed to be started right away.  Although I was extremely disappointed, at that point I knew I needed to do whatever it would take to save my life.  After all, what good would my eggs be if I wasn't going to be around to be a mother?

And I had hope!  I'm young and healthy (well, other than this cancer thing) and am confident that I will be able to have children.  I would just have to wait a year until after my treatment was entirely over.  So my dream got pushed back a year?  No big deal!  Wrong....

Try at least FIVE more years!  Last week my new oncologist confirmed that because 10% of my cancer cells are estrogen positive, I have to take the drug Tamoxifen after my chemotherapy treatment is completed.  The good news?  Another drug to help prevent the cancer from ever returning.  The bad news?  I have to take it every day for five years.  And because the drug causes birth defects, I can't get pregnant while taking it.

Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it?  Something you've dreamed about your whole life and did everything you could to make it happen.  Then have someone turn around and tell you you can't have it...makes you want it even that much more, right? 

I can't help but feel absolutely devastated and heartbroken over this.  What makes it worse?  Knowing that Dan is ready to be a father now, and that because of me, he has to wait at least another five years.   

I've never been the jealous type of person.  I've always enjoyed sharing in the joys and happiness of others.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely jealous of others who are lucky enough to already have children.  All of my friends have children.  All of my neighbors have children.  My younger cousins have children.  And now my sister is going to have a baby girl!  And while I absolutely LOVE being around all of these children, I cannot help now but be reminded of the dream I can't have for years to come.

I know our time will come.  And I know it will be the right time.  But as always, waiting is the hardest part! 

Cancer Etiquette 101

So, your high school curriculum never included "What Not to Say to Someone Battling Cancer"?  Well neither did mine.  In fact, it was not too long ago when breast cancer was pretty taboo.  Women battling the disease kept their diagnosis to themselves and there certainly wasn't the publicity and support that breast cancer receives today.

BUT friends, just because breast cancer is more openly discussed today (as it should be), doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful in what you say to someone battling cancer.  Trust me when I tell you that whatever you may be thinking about the disease, I have already thought and stressed out about 1000 times over. 

In the past four months, I've heard it all.  Mostly from random strangers who feel the need to try to relate to what I'm going through.  And while I can understand and appreciate that, what I can't understand is how they think that some of what they say can in any way help me or make me feel better.  

So....just for fun, I've created a top 10 list of what NOT to say to someone battling any type of cancer.  (Don't worry, this is absolutely not aimed at anything any of you have said...or is it?!?! ;)

10.  "Well at least you don't have to work now."  Yeah, you're right....breast cancer?...work?....chemotherapy?...work?....surgery?...work?...Yeah, tough call!

9.   "Whatever you do, don't go through Kaiser."  (At which time I was with Kaiser.)  Umm...too late.  But thanks for making me feel confident in my medical team!

8.   "Are you sure that your treatment plan is the best plan for you?"  Nope!  Last I checked, I was an attorney, not an oncologist.  But if you're asking whether I'm going to beat this..then YES, I'm sure!

7.   "You're Mohawk looks so cute.  But you should try to grow it out a little longer."  Lady, if I could grow out any of my hair a little longer, it wouldn't just be the Mohawk that I would be growing!  On second thought, it is pretty rock star!

6.   "You know, cancer can only grow in certain environments.  You must not be eating/drinking the right types of foods/drinks."  Perfect.  So you're saying I brought this on myself?  Way to go Shey!

5.   "You have the best shaped head I've ever seen!"  Actually, on second thought, PLEASE feel free to say this to me at any time!

4.   "I'm not sure the new chemotherapy will work for you."  (After finding out that the first type of chemotherapy allowed my tumors to get bigger.)  Awesome!  Thanks for giving me some extra hope to work with!  My response--Well then you better find something that WILL work!

3.   "Ugh...you're going through chemotherapy.  My best friend was going through it and it was awful.  She completely lost control of her bowels and her body started shutting down."  Because the 50 other side effects I have been dealing with just aren't enough!  Thanks for giving me something else to look forward to!

2.  "Oh...my (mom, aunt, sister's husband's ex-girlfriend, fill in the blank) is a 7-year breast cancer survivor!"  Wahoo...finally a great story!  "But we just found out that it came back in her bones and it's worse than ever!"  Umm...I'm still just trying to beat it the first time around...don't need to be hearing about what may happen in the future! 

1.   "My (best friend, mom, sister, coworker's daughter-in-law) died of (fill in the blank) cancer."  I'm sorry, did you just hear me?  I have breast cancer!!  The absolute last thing I need to hear is someone who died from any type of cancer!

I hope this doesn't discourage you from offering words of support to others who may be engaged in their own battle with cancer.  In fact, the amount of support and encouragement I have received over the past four months from strangers has been absolutely incredible! 

One of the most wonderful things that this journey has taught me is that there are a lot of very kind and genuine people in this world!  It's just too bad that these types of stories don't get the attention in the media that they deserve.

Lucky Seven Words of the Day (and a few more)

"Tumors shrank!

NO cancer gene!

Praise God!"

What this DOESN'T mean:  Unfortunately, I am not cancer-free....YET!  That celebration will take place next year after surgery and radiation.  I mean, I can only handle so much good news at a time!

What this DOES mean:  This regime of chemo IS working!!  In fact, all three of my tumors shrank!  (The tumor under my arm shrank an entire centimeter!) 

This also means I do not have the breast cancer genetic mutation.  My oncologists were concerned that I did given my age and the aggressiveness of my cancer.  Women with the genetic mutation have up to an 85% chance of developing breast cancer in their lifetime.  But since I already have that, that's not the scary part.  Women with the mutation also have up to a 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer in their lifetime.  Therefore, if I had the gene, the oncologists would have recommended removing my ovaries...and since I'll already have had enough surgeries by the age of 35, I am ecstatic to take a pass on that one!!

I know Dan and I would have been able to handle whatever news we received yesterday.  And we would have kept on fighting and fighting until we figured out something that worked.  BUT, can I just say...it is sooo much better seeing Dan tear up over great news rather than bad news!!

Although I am personally extremely relieved over this fantastic news, I am more relieved for my family and friends.  After months and months of horrible news, I am so grateful to be able to deliver some great news to my support team!  You guys all deserve it!

Now, since it's 5:00 somewhere, I'm off to happy hour!  Cheers!

Team Sheyanne

Determination has no boundaries.

I've always believed you can do anything you set your mind to.  Whether it's big or small.  Whether you're strong or weak.  Whether you're fearless or afraid.  As long as you are determined, nothing is out of reach.  And on Sunday I proved to myself that this is true even with cancer.   

On Sunday, less than 2 days after chemo, I woke up feeling extremely sore.  My entire body ached and I was mentally and physically exhausted...a typical reaction to the chemo.  However, this was not a typical day.  Today was the 20th annual Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure...5 kilometers...3.1 miles...and a ton of determination!

I was out of breath and exhausted by the time I walked from the parking lot to the start of the race.  Was I asking too much of my body?  Was it too late to graciously bow out?  I knew I had a free pass if I wanted it.  I knew everyone would understand if the girl with the bald head took a seat and watched her team cross the finish line without her.  But then that just wouldn't be me!

When I saw my team waiting for me at the top of the stairs, I was more determined than ever to participate in the race.  Over 50 of my closest friends, family and biggest supporters came out to show their support of me and a cure.  I've said it all along and I'll say it again...it is people like you who give me the strength every day to keep fighting!   

The race was a lot longer than I remember it being.  And while the temptation to take short cuts were presented to me throughout the course (especially by my mom!) I was determined to complete the entire race on my own.  No piggy backs.  No wheel chairs.  No strollers (yes, I did consider kicking some kids out of their strollers several times.)

When I crossed the finish line with my mom and Dan by my side, I felt more empowered than ever!  My determination had paid off and I proved to myself that nothing, including this horrible disease can ever get in the way of whatever I set my mind to.

And while I finished last on my team this year, next year there will be no freebies!  I'll be back to running the race and waiting on my team to cross the finish line!

A Birthday to Remember

Birthdays are for celebrating!  Eating too much (well, that's not actually possible), indulging in forbidden food and spirits, getting pampered and surrounding yourself with family and friends.  But birthdays for me have also meant reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the next...setting goals, making plans and working towards a more purposeful life.  Which is why this birthday was one of the toughest and most special birthdays yet.

I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that on my 32nd birthday I would have cancer.  I woke up overcome by emotion...grateful for the blessings of the past year, optimistic and hopeful about the year I will become cancer-free, and terrified that this could be my last.

I was angry...and tired.  Tired of feeling sick.  Tired of countless injections.  Tired of having a bald head.  Tired of having to stay home.  Tired of missing work.  Tired of having to be strong.  Tired of having to fight this fight.  Tired of having cancer.

But then I was reminded of the amazing gift that cancer has blessed me with...the overwhelming outpouring of love and support from family, friends and strangers.  All day I was showered with phone calls, emails, visitors, happy birthday serenades, flowers, desserts, and cards.  And as Dan and I left the house for my birthday dinner, I was surprised to see all of my friends and neighbors gathered outside my house with birthday cake, brownies, balloons, flowers, cards....and most importantly, smiles of warmth and friendship. 

Birthdays for me are no longer measured by the age I turn or what I do to celebrate on that one day of the year... rather, they will be measured by the relationships I have created and maintained, and the lives I have touched on the 364 other days of the year.  From what I experienced yesterday, I cannot help but be grateful for where I am at this exact moment in my life.  And though I wished harder for my birthday wish yesterday than I have in years past, I would not have changed a thing about my birthday this year!

Begging Me For Mercy

Let me start by saying this- I was completely devastated when I found out that the first regime of chemo did not work.  BUT let me assure you of one thing...I am absolutely confident that this new regime of chemo is going to work...and as it turns out, I'm not the only one...

As I walked into the hospital last Friday for my second round of the new chemo, all of the fire alarms were going off.  The lights were flashing, the alarms were sounding and the voice over the intercom was instructing everyone to evacuate the building.  On a normal day, I would have been the first one out the door.  But this wasn't a normal day...this was a cancer killing day...and there was no way I was going anywhere unless someone carried me out.  As far as I was concerned, as long as one room on the fourth floor wasn't on fire, I was ready and willing to give myself the treatment.

Despite my mother-in-law's requests, I never did leave the building.  Fortunately for me, it turned out to be just a test.  But I am convinced it was more than just that...it was as if my cancer cells knew what was coming and were trying everything they could to avoid the inevitable. 

But that's exactly what my cancer cells will have to face every Friday for the next 10 weeks.  I'm not going to lie...getting 3-4 hours of chemo every single week is tough to say the least.  But the bright side??  Great medication and dead cancer cells!

So here's to the next 10 rounds of chemo!  

Curve Ball #s 37-41

It's never a good thing when your doctor calls after hours.  He's not calling to check on the score of the game or what you're having for dinner.  Nope.  He's calling to deliver some bad news...or in my case, some more bad news.

On Monday, the night before my scheduled Round 4 chemo treatment, my oncologist called...my blood cell levels were once again really low.  But believe it or not, that wasn't the bad news.  Instead, for the first time, my oncologist seemed concerned that the chemo was not working as well as it should be. 

So, on Tuesday morning, after a sleepless night, I met with my oncologist.  When he performed the physical examination, he was convinced that the tumors had gotten smaller.  Phew!  What a relief.  But the relief wouldn't last long.  Twenty minutes later, the ultrasound proved differently.  It seemed my worst fear had come true....the tumors were the same size (maybe even a little bigger)...the chemo did not work.

As I sat in a state of shear panic, I tried to listen to and evaluate my options.  There seemed to be only two-either continue with the next/different round of chemo or go straight to surgery.  My oncologist seemed torn between the two options so he scheduled me an appointment with my surgeon that afternoon.

When the surgeon walked into the room, he acknowledged that I was having a horrible day.  And I was relieved to think he actually understood how I was feeling and that maybe some kid gloves were in order.  Not so much!  Because the next thing that came out of his mouth was, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is not good, this is not good at all!" 

Ummmm...no shit!  You mean, the months of nausea, vomiting, headaches, mouth sores, body aches, at-home injections, fevers and constipation, had a purpose other than pure enjoyment?!?!?  Talk about stating the obvious!

I only heard parts of the remainder of the surgeon's "death speech."  "The new chemo may not work...the surgery is going to be complicated....you can't have implants...they're going to radiate the hell out of you....blah...blah...blah...blah...blah!"  And then, he did what surgeons do best...he scheduled my surgery, rattled off some more instructions and sent me on my way.

When I left the surgeon's office, I did what I had promised myself I would never again since the first time I was diagnosed....I allowed myself to think I was actually going to die.  I felt terrified.  I felt defeated.  I felt hopeless.

And just when I thought it could not get any worse, it did.  My husband completely broke down right in front of me.  I knew he was scared...how could he not be after listening to the grim reaper.  But the worst part was when he said that his job as my husband was to always protect me and keep me safe, but that he felt completely helpless through this all. 

And just like that, the old Sheyanne was back.  I know I've said this before (like when the cancer messed with my food, then my hair and then my implants), but I mean it now more than ever....I AM PISSED!  Through every challenge, every trial and every disappointment I have faced over the last three months, I have always maintained my sense of optimism, my sense of humor and my faith that I will beat this.  There is no way I'm going to let one surgeon (who doesn't know me or my strength) take that all away from me.  Besides, since when have I ever taken the easy way out?  I have always loved a good battle, so why would this be any different?

Soo, like Dan and I have always done we planned our next game move.  We met with an outside oncologist (whom we both love) and together we decided to proceed with the next new/different round of chemo.  Our oncologist, Dan and I are very confident that this will work to melt away the cancer.  And after it does, we will then proceed with the surgery. 

Yesterday was day 1 of really kicking this cancer's a$$!  I had my first round of new chemo, but like always, it came with a price.  I actually got sick, many times over, at the cocktail lounge!  BUT, I feel much better today, both physically and mentally.  I am extremely optimistic that this will work...there is simply no other option.

Besides, college football starts today, Colt's football starts next week....it's the perfect time of year to start tackling both on and off the field!

A Little Too Ironic

Ok...I get that cancer does not discriminate.  It can affect anyone, at any age, in any place, at any time.  Got it.  But I'm not going to lie...I've lived my whole life with small breasts in a world that worships a much fuller figure than mine.  And while I contemplated plastic surgery for many years, I was just too chicken to go through with it. 

But, the silver lining of "not" having breasts?  No breast cancer, right?  I mean, you can't get cancer in breasts that don't exist.  And besides, that would be just way too ironic and too cruel of a joke. 

Ok, ok, fine.  So the flat chested girl gets breast cancer.  But like I always do, I found the silver lining.  Now, I can get the plastic surgery I was too scared to get before.  And the bonus?  It will be free!

WRONG! 

Today, for the first time, I learned that implants will not be possible because of the radiation.  Umm....what!?!?  No, no, no, no.  He MUST be mistaken.  Because I've said all along, if I'm having to go through this entire ordeal, I'm at least getting my free breasts. 

Turns out not so much.  And while I understand how superficial it sounds for me to be complaining about something like this while I'm fighting for my life, I AM PISSED!  I mean, really really pissed!  First my food, then my hair, and now my dream of plastic surgery.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And so while I may only weigh 110 pounds, it's 110 pounds of pure strength!

Risks vs. Rewards

I never used to read the side effects for any of the medication I took.  I mean, you're sick, the medicine will make you better, end of story!  But since I've had enough of all the little surprises lately (and since I have a little free time on my hands), I decided to start reading them.  I simply needed to know that if my toes turn green, it's a possible side effect of the medication, and not an indication that the cancer has spread.

The following is taken from just one of the medications I am currently taking:

"COMMON USES: This medicine is an antiemetic used in combination with other medicines to prevent nausea and vomiting associated with certain types of cancer drug treatment (chemotherapy)."

"SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while using this medicine include constipation, diarrhea (um, let's just stop right there...constipation and diarrhea?!?!....how is that even possible??) dizziness, hair loss, headache, heartburn, hiccups, loss of appetite, nausea, tiredness, trouble sleeping, upset stomach, vomiting, and weakness.

Sooo, you mean to tell me that the medication I am taking to prevent nausea and vomiting, can not only cause nausea and vomiting, but 12 other side effects!?!?  Even a third grader can do the math and figure out that it just may be worth rolling the dice and going without the medication.

Oh, and thankfully, the medication provides instructions to "check with your doctor" if any of the side effects "are bothersome."  Bothersome!?!?  Nope-I actually find headaches, diarrhea, constipation and heartburn quite enjoyable thank you very much!

Ahhhh....gotta love the fine print!

Third Time's A Charm??...

Not so much!  I'm not sure what's worse: knowing something crappy is about to smack you in the face, or being completely blind-sided and getting hit by a mack truck.  I mean, I've definitely experienced them both throughout this journey (in fact, many times over), and the only logical conclusion I can come to is this... they both suck!

On Tuesday I went in for Round 3.  That morning, I thought to myself, "I've got this!"..."Been here, done that!"..."Practice makes perfect!"...And all the other little cliches I could think of to prepare myself.  But as I walked inside the clinic, my little pep talk went right out the window.  And when I saw the two large syringes filled with that bright red cocktail, my stomach began to cringe (and it still does even as I write this).  I couldn't help but gag no matter how hard I tried.

"Anticipatory nausea" was what I was told I was experiencing.  Because the good old fashioned nausea was just not enough!  Just another side effect for me to cross off the list! 

It's been five days since my treatment and I'm just now finally starting to feel a little better.  Not the "I can run 2 miles" kind of better.  But the "I can take a shower" kind of better.  And let me tell you, that's just good for everyone involved!  I've also started my nine days of injections, and I must say, Dan is pretty close to getting his nursing license! 

At the end of Round 3, one thing is for sure-this journey is not for the weak.  Good thing that word is not in my vocabulary!

One Mile at a Time

On Sunday night I went for a run on the beach.  YES, you read that right- a RUN on the beach.  Ok, so it may have been more like a really quick walk, or a slow jog, but my legs were moving and the wind was blowing through my hair....wait a minute...and the wind was blowing across my head.  I caught a good tail wind on the way back, and I have to say, I'm a little more aerodynamic without the hair.

At the end of the mile run, I felt more alive (and tired) than I have felt in months.  I was so proud of my body--to go from not being able to walk, to running in just six days was amazing for me.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I finally starting feeling like myself again.   

Still on my high from Sunday, I decided to go for another mile "run" last night.  But this time I decided to run around my neighborhood.  Turns out, it's a little harder to run the second day and on hills no less.  I'm totally paying for it today, but it was definitely worth it.

I've realized that I have to take full advantage of my good days.  And that I have to remain true to who I am-a woman who has always pushed herself, fought for everything she has and never gives up....and this includes the little things like beating Dan at the 5k run in September. 

Let the training begin! 

A Different Body Image

Three months ago I was sitting poolside in Las Vegas.  As I looked around at the younger and more rowdy crowds, I couldn't help but compare and criticize.  My breasts were too small.  My thighs were too big.  My skin was too pasty.  My varicose veins were unsightly.  My arms were not toned enough.  My entire body image was based on my outer physical characteristics.

But then, I woke up the other morning and my husband had to basically carry me out of bed.  My legs were just too heavy and weak from the chemo and the daily injections to walk on my own.  It was at that moment that I couldn't help but wish that my biggest issues with my body were the size of my breasts and thighs. 

Before, a "good" body day was when my jeans fit just right or when a blouse made me look sexy.  Today, a "good" body day is when I can stand on my own long enough to shower or when I go an entire day without a headache.  It's funny how something so important can be taken for granted for so long.  And how what once used to be so important can seem so trivial.

My body image is no longer based on how I look, but more importantly, how I feel.  I have such a greater appreciation for my body and health-because I now know more than ever, that without these two things, nothing else really matters.

Round 2-Take 2

When my oncologist called on Monday evening and said that there was a possibility that I could go forward with round 2 on Tuesday, I was as giddy as a little kid on Christmas Eve.  And as we drove to the hospital that night to get my blood tested, it was as if we were taking a road trip to Vegas!  I mean, nobody could have been more excited than this guy to get another dose of the chemo cocktail....

And then Tuesday night came.  What the h-e-double hockey sticks was I thinking being so excited for this?!  The all-too familiar side effects came back in full force.  Nausea.  Fatigue.  Weakness.  Body aches.  Fever.  Metal taste in my mouth.  Metal smell of my skin (yes, I can literally smell the poison through my skin!)  BUT-the one side effect that didn't come back??  Hair loss!  That's right, turns out you can't lose something you've already lost!  Point-Sheyanne!

This time we're doing things a little differently.  In order to prevent my white blood cells from getting so low, I have to get injections at home for nine days straight.  I survived the first two shots, but man does that medicine pack quite the punch!  I also have to get my blood drawn three times next week.  Which means, I'm going to need donations.  Just kidding- but seriously, it feels like I may run out soon! ;)

I think a card that I got from one of my friends sums it up best:

"Chemo Sucks.  But if it sucks the cancer right out of me, then
'Yay, chemo!!!'"

Cheers to another round!

Two Steps Forward....One Step Back (But Not Out!)

• Survive my first round of chemo....Check
• Survive a week of having to stay inside....Check
• Survive a week of a really strict diet....Check
• Survive shaving my head....Check
• Survive my first public outing with a bald head....Double Check (and rockin' it!)
• Ready for Chemo Round 2....Check....or so I thought...

Yesterday was a fantastic day!  I felt great.  I felt strong.  I felt empowered.  And when I left my house for the first time with my bald head, I actually felt proud!  Sure, I could see people staring at me out of the corner of their eyes.  But nothing could take away the smile from my face.  The nurse who took my blood looked surprised when I told him I was fantastic! after he asked how I was doing.  In fact, he said, "you are a little too happy to be here!"  But that's just because he doesn't know me and my spirit!

When I met with my oncologist, I was excited to see him.  He too was a little surprised to see how happy I was.  Before he performed each test (feeling my throat, under my arms, my breathing, etc.) I provided him with my diagnosis, telling him "Oh, I know my lungs are great!" and "don't worry no swollen lymph nodes in my throat!"  He just laughed and confirmed what I already knew-that everything else was great!

And everything else was great...until I got the call at around 5:00 p.m.  You see, before each round of chemo, my blood levels have to be at a certain level to make sure my body is strong enough to take some more of the cocktail.  The normal range for white blood cells?  4,300 to 10,000.  My targeted range?  1,500.  My actual count?  500!  "Dangerously low" is what I was told. 

So what does this mean?  I have to get home injections for 3 days to try to raise my white blood cell count.  I have to remain in the house through at least the end of the week.  Strick eating diet.  And chemo round 2 is postponed until next Thursday (assuming my levels are high enough). 

Of course I am extremely disappointed and a little scared.  I was so physically and mentally ready to start killing more cancer cells today.  But not even this can take the smile off my face for too long.  I mean, just think about it- if the chemo can do that to my good, strong cells, imagine what one dose has already done to the bad cancer cells!

Shey





    

Nothing Could Have Prepared Me For This

Be prepared!  That's what we're taught from an early age.  Always be prepared.  So that's what I've always done.  I prepared for school.  I prepared for work.  I prepared for marriage.  I've always been (or at least tried to be) prepared. 

But nothing could have prepared me for tonight.  While others were watching the All-Star game, my husband was shaving my head....shaving my head!  I knew this time would come.  I knew my hair would fall out.  My doctors told me it would.  I read it in books.  I knew others who had gone through chemo had their hair fall out. 

So like I've always done, I had been "preparing" for weeks.  I practiced covering my head with scarves.  I practiced pulling my hair back real tight.  I bought a floppy hat.  I bought a wig.  I was absolutely prepared to lose my hair.  But as it turns out, I was not prepared at all.  In fact, nothing could have prepared me for tonight. 

As my husband took the razor to my head, I couldn't help but cry.  And when I looked into the mirror for the first time, I cried even more.  For the past few weeks, my cancer was a secret to the outside world.  When I went to the store or the bank or the mall, nobody knew I had cancer.  But now, as a woman with a bald head, I know I cannot keep the secret any longer.  To me, and the rest of the world, a bald head is the universal sign of cancer.  I know now that anywhere I go, people will look at me and know I have cancer. 

And then my husband looked at me with a straight face and said, "I'm not going to lie baby, you look pretty bad a$$."  Followed by, "Seriously, you've got the Sinead O'Connor thing going on.  And I used to have a crush on her when I was growing up."  I couldn't help but bust up laughing.  And the laughing hasn't stopped since.  That was exactly what I needed. 

So friends, here I am.  No make-up.  No hair.  And soon to be no cancer.  And most importantly, I still have a smile on my face.  And that smile will remain there throughout the rest of my journey.   

A friend recently told me that since the beginning of time, men have been encouraged to get and look fierce when they go to war.  They shave their heads.  They paint their faces.  My war is no different.  That's why starting today and from this point forward, I have my game face on.  I am fierce and ready to battle.  I WILL win this war!

Shey
 

   

It Takes a Village....Lucky for Me, I Live in the Best One!

Our Team T-shirt

For the past five years I have organized and rallied a team for the Susan G. Komen, Race for the Cure Event.  "The Breast Defense."  That's our team name.  "Prepare. Defend. Prevail."  That's our team's motto. 

This year is no exception. The Breast Defense is officially registered for our sixth annual participation in the Race for the Cure Event.  The only difference this year is that the fight hits a little closer to home. 

I'm not exactly sure why I chose this event in the first place.   Or why I became so passionate in the fight against breast cancer.   You can call it a coincidence.  You can call it fate.  But I'm hoping it's simply a case of paying it forward!  And, to be honest, I always secretly coveted the special pink race shirts--the ones reserved for the breast cancer survivors!  Next year, that special shirt will have my name written all over it!

Last week I bought a Susan G. Komen breast cancer flag and ceramic breast cancer ribbon and placed it in my front yard.  It was kind of my way of telling the world, "Yes, I've been struck with breast cancer, but I'm going to fight and win the battle!" 

A few days later, I came home to find that my friend across the street also had a flag in her front yard.  The following day, my friend next door had a flag in her front yard.  And then the most amazing thing happened.  I walked outside my house this week to find that every single house on my block (with the exception of 2) had a Susan G. Komen flag in their front yard!  The message it sent was deafening....it was as if I could hear each and every one of my friends say, "We support you, Sheyanne.  And we are here to support you in your fight!"   





Several of my friends' houses with Susan G. Komen Flags

They say it takes a village to raise a child.  I say, it takes a village to fight and beat cancer.  And I thank God every day for the village I am blessed to live in and the friends I am blessed to work with.  Every single day my friends deliver something special to remind me that they are fighting with me.  From the dinners, to the desserts, to the cards, pictures, books, candy, flowers and plants.  It truly is unbelievable. 

Just a few of the cards and flowers I have received!

So thank you friends for your incredible support!  You have touched my life in a way I never could have imagined.  I can't wait to celebrate after we beat this!!

Shey  

Messing With My Hair is One Thing..Messing With My Food is Another!

Anyone who knows me (or has been around me for any length of time) knows I love to eat!  I absolutely love to eat!  Actually, I think I'm obsessed with it.  When I'm eating breakfast, I'm planning lunch.  When I'm eating lunch, I'm planning dinner.  It's really all I think about, all day long.  And the food I eat can literally make or break my day. 

Fad diets?  Nope!  Any type of diet?  Never!  And for great reason--I love to eat!  There has never been a piece of dessert (especially chocolate) or fatty, deep fried food that I haven't liked.  Low fat food?   Crazy!   Sugar-free?  You're wasting my time.  In fact, I used to secretly laugh at the super-healthy people; you know, the all-natural, everything organic "Trader Joes only" people. 

Boy how things have changed.  Yesterday, I found myself in Trader Joes pushing a cart filled with unsalted nuts, organic, sugar-free soy milk, green tea and organic, wheat pasta.  WHAT THE!?!?!  All of a sudden, it was like the word "organic" was code for "cancer beater", and Trader Joes was the place that would save my life. 

Needless to say, there was no smile on my face as I unpacked my groceries.  The fact that I'm not supposed to eat any kind of sugar is an absolute tragedy!  Taking away my hair is one thing.  But messing with my food is another! 

They say you go through phases during the cancer process.  Shock.  Despair.  Confusion.  And eventually anger.  Well friends, I am officially angry!  Not because I have cancer.  But because cancer has messed with my all time favorite activity-eating! 

If you had any doubt that I wouldn't fight this cancer with everything I had -doubt no more.  This cancer is going down because I can already taste the double-double, french fries and chocolate shake waiting for me at the end of the finish line!

Shey

It Turned On Me...But I Fought Back!

Like any great cocktail I've ever overindulged in, my first "chemo cocktail" was no different.  It turned on me.  In a big way.  I mean, I've had my share of hangovers, colds, flus and various other illnesses-but nothing could have prepared me for this.  I learned that it's one thing to say "I'm stronger than chemo", and another to actually prove it.  But I did!!  It just took me a little longer and a lot more energy and fight than I had imagined.

The first couple of hours following my treatment were amazing!  I swear, I could actually feel the cancer cells shrinking (or at least that's what I told myself!)  And, I had specifically requested from the nurse, the "special" cocktail, meaning the kind that didn't make you sick and didn't make you lose your hair.  I guess she forgot the first special ingredient (but not the second because I still have my hair-well, at least for a couple more days!) 

By Friday afternoon, it was clear that I needed a little "hair of the dog."  Well, not exactly.  No more chemo cocktail, but some IV treatment from the hospital.  After an hour of treatment, and a ridiculous amount of medication, I survived my first chemo treatment.  Whoop! Whoop!  (I can say that now, because right now, I actually feel ok.  But I'll be sure to monitor my taunting because I know what lies around the corner in another 2 weeks!) 

Although  I feel 200% better than I felt on Thursday and Friday, I am still extremely exhausted and completely out of energy.  I can't understand how I can be THIS tired, all of the time!  I get so frustrated by how I'm completely wiped out after the smallest things.  Just this morning, I had to sit down after I made Dan a cup of coffee (which I insisted upon doing just to prove I could-I know, typical Shey!)  I'm so used to being so independent and energetic, that I feel paralyzed and crippled by my lack of energy and loss of independence.  I know it's only temporary, but for someone who defines herself as one who can do it all (or at least try), this is a rather cruel reality for the time being.

So, I know I said I still have all of my hair-but not for long.  Today is the day I "voluntarily" cut my hair super-short before it all falls out.  They say by cutting it short first, it's a way to "take control" so that when it does fall out, it won't be as "dramatic".  For those of you who know me, losing any amount of hair is going to be dramatic!  But for those of you who know me, you also know that who am I to question any type of expert hair advice!  Besides, maybe without my hair, my Colts helmet will fit a little better!

Thank you all again for your prayers, blessings and support!  I will never be able to thank you all enough!

Have a blessed day!

Shey

"This is the Part Where They Make Me Better" (Chemo-Round 1)

When I first heard the words "breast cancer", my immediate reaction was to get it out of me as soon as possible.  I thought waiting a couple of weeks to start treatment was way too long.  But now, on the morning of my first treatment, I'm thinking it came a little too soon.  I know that after today, I won't physically be the same for a long time. 

The reality is, I am terrified.  I am scared at how my body will physically react to the chemotherapy.  I am scared of all of the side effects that are sure to come along with it.  I am scared to look at myself in the mirror for the first time without hair.  I am scared I will lose too much weight, or that my blood cell counts will drop too low.  But most importantly, I am scared that it will not work.  NAH-that's not going to happen!

As I sat down eating breakfast with my husband this morning, I started to cry a little.  All of the unknowns got to be a little too much.  I knew there was no turning back.  But then, my husband (whom most of you know if one of the smartest people in the world) summed it up best: "This is the part where they make you better!"  And he is right!!! 

I've heard all of the stories of how tough chemotherapy is.  And trust me, I believe it.  And it scares me beyond words.  But the truth is- I am stronger than it!!  I know I have a very difficult road ahead of me.  I have sized up my competition, and believe it will be my toughest competitor yet.  BUT, I will not give in (ok, I'll probably have to throw in my hair!) and I will not give up!  I AM going to beat this!!  And I know I will because I have all of your love and support!!!

Today is the day I start getting better!  And for that, I am truly grateful!!!

GAME ON!


Shey

God Never Gives Us More Than We Can Handle (The Diagnosis)

I've always believed that God never gives us more than we can handle.  But on Wednesday, June 8, 2011, for the first time in my life, I questioned that.  Because it was on that day (after multiple biopsies and several doctors dismissing the lumps under my arm pit and breast) that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Breast cancer.  At 31 years old.  And not just breast cancer.  "Aggressive" breast cancer that had already spread to my lymph nodes.  The large, painful lump under my arm was not from an infection-it was a tumor.  As I sat across from my doctor on that ridiculously uncomfortable table, the only thought that came to me was "I don't want to die!"  

That day, and the days that followed were the longest days of my life.  I was continuously plagued with the same questions over and over and over again:  "How bad is it?"  "Where else has the cancer spread?"  "Why me?" "Am I being punished for something?"  "Am I going to die?"   My initial prayers (and pleads) were all tailored to the questions that were haunting me:  "Please God, don't let the cancer have spread."  "Please God, don't let me die from this." 

Before my diagnosis, I have always been (or at least tried to be) a very positive, energetic, hopeful and optimistic person.  One who loves winning more than anything, and one who would NEVER give up.  I hated what this was doing to my character and my spirit.  I hated feeling sorry for myself.  I hated feeling beaten down.  Most importantly, I hated feeling like I had given up.  That just was not me!

And so after several days of grieving, I decided enough was enough.  No one had ever told me that my diagnosis was a death sentence--and even if they had, I would not give up without a fight!  More importantly, I decided that what I was praying for was not what I should be focused on.  I mean, I would be lying if I said I still don't pray that I will beat this, but the most important focus is that I don't lose sight of what's important.  I truly believe that God never gives us more than we can handle-and I, and my diagnosis is no exception.  I now pray that God gives me the strength not to become angry with Him, or to question Him.  But to know that everything happens for a reason. 

After I beat this (because I will!), I will come out stronger than ever and use my experience to help others in the same situation.  There are lessons to be learned in both exciting and trying times.  The most important thing for me is to find those lessons and use them to become a better person.  That is something I promise to do.

One thing I have already learned from this experience is that with God, family and friends anything is possible.  I am truly, truly overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have received since the minute I was diagnosed.  (I mean, the prayers, emails and messages I have received from strangers alone is unbelievable!)  I am truly blessed with the most incredible family and friends anyone could ever ask for.  I don't know what I did to deserve this outpouring of love, but I will never take it for granted.  The love and support of my family and friends is what WILL get me through this.  There are far too many people I need to repay.

So, thank you (you know who you are!) for giving me the strength, courage, faith and determination to fight like hell!  I promise to never give up or let any of you down!! 

Shey

When You're Going to Beat Cancer-Everyone Should Know!

My dearest family and friends~

As most of you know, I am anything but an electronic media socialite!  I never did MySpace, I don't do Facebook and didn't even know what a blog was until recently.  But, I figured, if I'm going to beat cancer, I should probably make it known to as many people as possible-and this is the best way to do it!

I just wanted to start off by saying, I am truly, truly grateful for all of your love and support.  It means the world to me and has given me the strength and determination to fight and beat this!!! 

This blog is meant to share with you my thoughts and successes as I continue through this difficult journey.  I hope it will keep us all closer, and perhaps give you a little inspiration to know that with God, family and friends, anything is possible!

Shey