It Turned On Me...But I Fought Back!

Like any great cocktail I've ever overindulged in, my first "chemo cocktail" was no different.  It turned on me.  In a big way.  I mean, I've had my share of hangovers, colds, flus and various other illnesses-but nothing could have prepared me for this.  I learned that it's one thing to say "I'm stronger than chemo", and another to actually prove it.  But I did!!  It just took me a little longer and a lot more energy and fight than I had imagined.

The first couple of hours following my treatment were amazing!  I swear, I could actually feel the cancer cells shrinking (or at least that's what I told myself!)  And, I had specifically requested from the nurse, the "special" cocktail, meaning the kind that didn't make you sick and didn't make you lose your hair.  I guess she forgot the first special ingredient (but not the second because I still have my hair-well, at least for a couple more days!) 

By Friday afternoon, it was clear that I needed a little "hair of the dog."  Well, not exactly.  No more chemo cocktail, but some IV treatment from the hospital.  After an hour of treatment, and a ridiculous amount of medication, I survived my first chemo treatment.  Whoop! Whoop!  (I can say that now, because right now, I actually feel ok.  But I'll be sure to monitor my taunting because I know what lies around the corner in another 2 weeks!) 

Although  I feel 200% better than I felt on Thursday and Friday, I am still extremely exhausted and completely out of energy.  I can't understand how I can be THIS tired, all of the time!  I get so frustrated by how I'm completely wiped out after the smallest things.  Just this morning, I had to sit down after I made Dan a cup of coffee (which I insisted upon doing just to prove I could-I know, typical Shey!)  I'm so used to being so independent and energetic, that I feel paralyzed and crippled by my lack of energy and loss of independence.  I know it's only temporary, but for someone who defines herself as one who can do it all (or at least try), this is a rather cruel reality for the time being.

So, I know I said I still have all of my hair-but not for long.  Today is the day I "voluntarily" cut my hair super-short before it all falls out.  They say by cutting it short first, it's a way to "take control" so that when it does fall out, it won't be as "dramatic".  For those of you who know me, losing any amount of hair is going to be dramatic!  But for those of you who know me, you also know that who am I to question any type of expert hair advice!  Besides, maybe without my hair, my Colts helmet will fit a little better!

Thank you all again for your prayers, blessings and support!  I will never be able to thank you all enough!

Have a blessed day!

Shey

"This is the Part Where They Make Me Better" (Chemo-Round 1)

When I first heard the words "breast cancer", my immediate reaction was to get it out of me as soon as possible.  I thought waiting a couple of weeks to start treatment was way too long.  But now, on the morning of my first treatment, I'm thinking it came a little too soon.  I know that after today, I won't physically be the same for a long time. 

The reality is, I am terrified.  I am scared at how my body will physically react to the chemotherapy.  I am scared of all of the side effects that are sure to come along with it.  I am scared to look at myself in the mirror for the first time without hair.  I am scared I will lose too much weight, or that my blood cell counts will drop too low.  But most importantly, I am scared that it will not work.  NAH-that's not going to happen!

As I sat down eating breakfast with my husband this morning, I started to cry a little.  All of the unknowns got to be a little too much.  I knew there was no turning back.  But then, my husband (whom most of you know if one of the smartest people in the world) summed it up best: "This is the part where they make you better!"  And he is right!!! 

I've heard all of the stories of how tough chemotherapy is.  And trust me, I believe it.  And it scares me beyond words.  But the truth is- I am stronger than it!!  I know I have a very difficult road ahead of me.  I have sized up my competition, and believe it will be my toughest competitor yet.  BUT, I will not give in (ok, I'll probably have to throw in my hair!) and I will not give up!  I AM going to beat this!!  And I know I will because I have all of your love and support!!!

Today is the day I start getting better!  And for that, I am truly grateful!!!

GAME ON!


Shey

God Never Gives Us More Than We Can Handle (The Diagnosis)

I've always believed that God never gives us more than we can handle.  But on Wednesday, June 8, 2011, for the first time in my life, I questioned that.  Because it was on that day (after multiple biopsies and several doctors dismissing the lumps under my arm pit and breast) that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Breast cancer.  At 31 years old.  And not just breast cancer.  "Aggressive" breast cancer that had already spread to my lymph nodes.  The large, painful lump under my arm was not from an infection-it was a tumor.  As I sat across from my doctor on that ridiculously uncomfortable table, the only thought that came to me was "I don't want to die!"  

That day, and the days that followed were the longest days of my life.  I was continuously plagued with the same questions over and over and over again:  "How bad is it?"  "Where else has the cancer spread?"  "Why me?" "Am I being punished for something?"  "Am I going to die?"   My initial prayers (and pleads) were all tailored to the questions that were haunting me:  "Please God, don't let the cancer have spread."  "Please God, don't let me die from this." 

Before my diagnosis, I have always been (or at least tried to be) a very positive, energetic, hopeful and optimistic person.  One who loves winning more than anything, and one who would NEVER give up.  I hated what this was doing to my character and my spirit.  I hated feeling sorry for myself.  I hated feeling beaten down.  Most importantly, I hated feeling like I had given up.  That just was not me!

And so after several days of grieving, I decided enough was enough.  No one had ever told me that my diagnosis was a death sentence--and even if they had, I would not give up without a fight!  More importantly, I decided that what I was praying for was not what I should be focused on.  I mean, I would be lying if I said I still don't pray that I will beat this, but the most important focus is that I don't lose sight of what's important.  I truly believe that God never gives us more than we can handle-and I, and my diagnosis is no exception.  I now pray that God gives me the strength not to become angry with Him, or to question Him.  But to know that everything happens for a reason. 

After I beat this (because I will!), I will come out stronger than ever and use my experience to help others in the same situation.  There are lessons to be learned in both exciting and trying times.  The most important thing for me is to find those lessons and use them to become a better person.  That is something I promise to do.

One thing I have already learned from this experience is that with God, family and friends anything is possible.  I am truly, truly overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have received since the minute I was diagnosed.  (I mean, the prayers, emails and messages I have received from strangers alone is unbelievable!)  I am truly blessed with the most incredible family and friends anyone could ever ask for.  I don't know what I did to deserve this outpouring of love, but I will never take it for granted.  The love and support of my family and friends is what WILL get me through this.  There are far too many people I need to repay.

So, thank you (you know who you are!) for giving me the strength, courage, faith and determination to fight like hell!  I promise to never give up or let any of you down!! 

Shey

When You're Going to Beat Cancer-Everyone Should Know!

My dearest family and friends~

As most of you know, I am anything but an electronic media socialite!  I never did MySpace, I don't do Facebook and didn't even know what a blog was until recently.  But, I figured, if I'm going to beat cancer, I should probably make it known to as many people as possible-and this is the best way to do it!

I just wanted to start off by saying, I am truly, truly grateful for all of your love and support.  It means the world to me and has given me the strength and determination to fight and beat this!!! 

This blog is meant to share with you my thoughts and successes as I continue through this difficult journey.  I hope it will keep us all closer, and perhaps give you a little inspiration to know that with God, family and friends, anything is possible!

Shey