How Can Something So Good For You, Feel So Bad?

I did it.  Tonight was the first night I started Tamoxifen.  You know, the drug I have to take every day for the next FIVE YEARS.  The drug that helps prevent against the recurrence of my breast cancer.  The drug that means no children for at least five more years.  

The logical side of me knows that I'm lucky....lucky to have yet another weapon in my fight against cancer.  But the emotional side of me couldn't swallow the pill without shedding tears...tears that continue to flow even as I type this.  It's one thing to say you have to put your dream on hold.  It's another thing to physically force yourself to put your dreams on hold.  

At a time when I'm just beginning to feel like my life is coming back to normal, this is just yet another reminder of how much further I have to go in my fight.  A daily reminder of my battle.  A daily reminder to live life to it's fullest.  A daily reminder that I'm still alive.   

So Now What?

It's the weirdest thing.  I waited 14 months for this....to finish chemo...to finish radiation...to finish treatment (only 2 more Herceptin treatments left!).  I used to dream about this day...how excited I would be...the celebrations that would come...the life that would be restored to my family and I.  I remember bartering with God, "If I just make it through chemo, I will never take another day for granted..."   And when I did, it was "If I just make it through surgery, I will..."  And when that happened, it was "If I just make it through radiation, I will be the happiest person on this earth!"

But when the time actually came, I found myself to be anything but happy.  I was sad...angry...disappointed...scared....depressed.  

What?!?  Where was this coming from?  What happened to the excitement?  What happened to the celebrations?  What happened to the picture-perfect ending that I had envisioned just a couple of months ago?  

And the longer these feelings lasted, the more frustrated and depressed I became.  While everyone around me was excited and congratulating me, I couldn't understand why it felt like I was dying inside.  Like I lost a piece of myself.  And then it hit me...

Every...Single...Day...for the past 14 months I have been in a vicious battle to save my life.  EVERY.  SINGLE. DAY.  There was no time to stop and think about what I was going through.  No time to process the diagnosis.  No time to reflect on the severity of the situation.  And certainly no time to grieve...the loss of my old body...the lost sense of security...the loss of my life before cancer.

There will never be another "routine" doctor's appointment for me.  Never another "common" cold.  Never just a "normal" body ache.  I believe things will get easier as time passes and the longer I remain cancer free.  But for now, not a single day goes by that I am not haunted by the thought of cancer coming back.  

Every...Single...Day...is a battle.  A physical, emotional, mental and spiritual battle.  A battle I know I have beat and will continue to beat!!