A Dream Delayed

Growing up, I had two dreams: to have a successful career and to become a mother.  I knew that my professional dream would require a lot of hard work- years of schooling, lots of studying, intense tests and a ton of student loans!  But I never imagined that becoming a mother would be the most difficult dream to achieve.

Dan and I had decided that this year would be the year we would start trying to have children.  We've been happily married for two years, we have our dream home, successful careers and are expecting our first niece any day now.  The time was just right.  But sometimes, even the best thought out plans don't work out as expected.

When I was diagnosed, I knew that having children this year wouldn't be an option.  And to be honest, I felt blessed that we discovered the cancer before I had gotten pregnant.  But when I discussed my treatment plan with my oncologist, I was shocked to learn that one of the potential side effects of chemotherapy is infertility.  Just the thought of possibly not being able to have children terrified me.  This was simply not an option.

When I later discovered the technique of egg harvesting, I was relieved to have found the solution to any potential problem.  But unfortunately, that relief was short lived.  Since the process would take about 6 weeks to complete, my oncologist recommended against it.  He felt that due to the aggressiveness of my cancer, my chemotherapy treatment needed to be started right away.  Although I was extremely disappointed, at that point I knew I needed to do whatever it would take to save my life.  After all, what good would my eggs be if I wasn't going to be around to be a mother?

And I had hope!  I'm young and healthy (well, other than this cancer thing) and am confident that I will be able to have children.  I would just have to wait a year until after my treatment was entirely over.  So my dream got pushed back a year?  No big deal!  Wrong....

Try at least FIVE more years!  Last week my new oncologist confirmed that because 10% of my cancer cells are estrogen positive, I have to take the drug Tamoxifen after my chemotherapy treatment is completed.  The good news?  Another drug to help prevent the cancer from ever returning.  The bad news?  I have to take it every day for five years.  And because the drug causes birth defects, I can't get pregnant while taking it.

Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it?  Something you've dreamed about your whole life and did everything you could to make it happen.  Then have someone turn around and tell you you can't have it...makes you want it even that much more, right? 

I can't help but feel absolutely devastated and heartbroken over this.  What makes it worse?  Knowing that Dan is ready to be a father now, and that because of me, he has to wait at least another five years.   

I've never been the jealous type of person.  I've always enjoyed sharing in the joys and happiness of others.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely jealous of others who are lucky enough to already have children.  All of my friends have children.  All of my neighbors have children.  My younger cousins have children.  And now my sister is going to have a baby girl!  And while I absolutely LOVE being around all of these children, I cannot help now but be reminded of the dream I can't have for years to come.

I know our time will come.  And I know it will be the right time.  But as always, waiting is the hardest part!