Nothing Could Have Prepared Me For This

Be prepared!  That's what we're taught from an early age.  Always be prepared.  So that's what I've always done.  I prepared for school.  I prepared for work.  I prepared for marriage.  I've always been (or at least tried to be) prepared. 

But nothing could have prepared me for tonight.  While others were watching the All-Star game, my husband was shaving my head....shaving my head!  I knew this time would come.  I knew my hair would fall out.  My doctors told me it would.  I read it in books.  I knew others who had gone through chemo had their hair fall out. 

So like I've always done, I had been "preparing" for weeks.  I practiced covering my head with scarves.  I practiced pulling my hair back real tight.  I bought a floppy hat.  I bought a wig.  I was absolutely prepared to lose my hair.  But as it turns out, I was not prepared at all.  In fact, nothing could have prepared me for tonight. 

As my husband took the razor to my head, I couldn't help but cry.  And when I looked into the mirror for the first time, I cried even more.  For the past few weeks, my cancer was a secret to the outside world.  When I went to the store or the bank or the mall, nobody knew I had cancer.  But now, as a woman with a bald head, I know I cannot keep the secret any longer.  To me, and the rest of the world, a bald head is the universal sign of cancer.  I know now that anywhere I go, people will look at me and know I have cancer. 

And then my husband looked at me with a straight face and said, "I'm not going to lie baby, you look pretty bad a$$."  Followed by, "Seriously, you've got the Sinead O'Connor thing going on.  And I used to have a crush on her when I was growing up."  I couldn't help but bust up laughing.  And the laughing hasn't stopped since.  That was exactly what I needed. 

So friends, here I am.  No make-up.  No hair.  And soon to be no cancer.  And most importantly, I still have a smile on my face.  And that smile will remain there throughout the rest of my journey.   

A friend recently told me that since the beginning of time, men have been encouraged to get and look fierce when they go to war.  They shave their heads.  They paint their faces.  My war is no different.  That's why starting today and from this point forward, I have my game face on.  I am fierce and ready to battle.  I WILL win this war!

Shey