Curve Ball #s 37-41

It's never a good thing when your doctor calls after hours.  He's not calling to check on the score of the game or what you're having for dinner.  Nope.  He's calling to deliver some bad news...or in my case, some more bad news.

On Monday, the night before my scheduled Round 4 chemo treatment, my oncologist called...my blood cell levels were once again really low.  But believe it or not, that wasn't the bad news.  Instead, for the first time, my oncologist seemed concerned that the chemo was not working as well as it should be. 

So, on Tuesday morning, after a sleepless night, I met with my oncologist.  When he performed the physical examination, he was convinced that the tumors had gotten smaller.  Phew!  What a relief.  But the relief wouldn't last long.  Twenty minutes later, the ultrasound proved differently.  It seemed my worst fear had come true....the tumors were the same size (maybe even a little bigger)...the chemo did not work.

As I sat in a state of shear panic, I tried to listen to and evaluate my options.  There seemed to be only two-either continue with the next/different round of chemo or go straight to surgery.  My oncologist seemed torn between the two options so he scheduled me an appointment with my surgeon that afternoon.

When the surgeon walked into the room, he acknowledged that I was having a horrible day.  And I was relieved to think he actually understood how I was feeling and that maybe some kid gloves were in order.  Not so much!  Because the next thing that came out of his mouth was, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is not good, this is not good at all!" 

Ummmm...no shit!  You mean, the months of nausea, vomiting, headaches, mouth sores, body aches, at-home injections, fevers and constipation, had a purpose other than pure enjoyment?!?!?  Talk about stating the obvious!

I only heard parts of the remainder of the surgeon's "death speech."  "The new chemo may not work...the surgery is going to be complicated....you can't have implants...they're going to radiate the hell out of you....blah...blah...blah...blah...blah!"  And then, he did what surgeons do best...he scheduled my surgery, rattled off some more instructions and sent me on my way.

When I left the surgeon's office, I did what I had promised myself I would never again since the first time I was diagnosed....I allowed myself to think I was actually going to die.  I felt terrified.  I felt defeated.  I felt hopeless.

And just when I thought it could not get any worse, it did.  My husband completely broke down right in front of me.  I knew he was scared...how could he not be after listening to the grim reaper.  But the worst part was when he said that his job as my husband was to always protect me and keep me safe, but that he felt completely helpless through this all. 

And just like that, the old Sheyanne was back.  I know I've said this before (like when the cancer messed with my food, then my hair and then my implants), but I mean it now more than ever....I AM PISSED!  Through every challenge, every trial and every disappointment I have faced over the last three months, I have always maintained my sense of optimism, my sense of humor and my faith that I will beat this.  There is no way I'm going to let one surgeon (who doesn't know me or my strength) take that all away from me.  Besides, since when have I ever taken the easy way out?  I have always loved a good battle, so why would this be any different?

Soo, like Dan and I have always done we planned our next game move.  We met with an outside oncologist (whom we both love) and together we decided to proceed with the next new/different round of chemo.  Our oncologist, Dan and I are very confident that this will work to melt away the cancer.  And after it does, we will then proceed with the surgery. 

Yesterday was day 1 of really kicking this cancer's a$$!  I had my first round of new chemo, but like always, it came with a price.  I actually got sick, many times over, at the cocktail lounge!  BUT, I feel much better today, both physically and mentally.  I am extremely optimistic that this will work...there is simply no other option.

Besides, college football starts today, Colt's football starts next week....it's the perfect time of year to start tackling both on and off the field!